During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
