I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
