the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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