you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Randomize
