I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
