I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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