he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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