I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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