if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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