Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
