So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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