alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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