we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
