Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
