My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
