so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
