Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She needs sedatives and a leash
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
