Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
