yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
