i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
