Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
There r osticjed everywhere
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
