My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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