I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Randomize
