ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Randomize
