Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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