Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
