you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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