I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
