You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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