proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
