she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
