forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
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