So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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