I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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