It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY