Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes