Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
