I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Blood and glitter go together right?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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