so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
