sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
