I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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