My Higher Power is John Stamos
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
