apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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