You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
