sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
