My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
