A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize