I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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