I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
