I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
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dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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