i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
