OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
