Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
