youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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