How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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