Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
