Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
