Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
